unchecking some boxes and shaking things up

so i haven't blogged in a long time. i have been busy, but i've also been thinking a lot about where i am and where i'm going down this pathway of life. i've been reflecting on failure, on what that means to me, on what has to be different the next time around. thanks to all of you who listened to me in call rooms, on the phone, in your living room, or over instant messenger. im always impressed by how forgiving and supportive friends and family are when im confronted with their reactions and compare them to my own.

it's interesting how failure can overshadow all the other successes in your life. it's irrational, but it's the way many of us, especially in med school culture, are programmed to work, our self-worth tied not to how well we take care of patients or our relationships with others, but on evaluations, standardized test scores, grades. i try to remind myself to judge myself by other criteria too, but no one is giving me an end-of-the-month evaluation on what kind of leader, friend, wife, or daughter i am. i don't get graded on what i contribute to the community, the number of emails i send, or how i love. one thing ive definitely realized through my most recent setback is that i love my life and i love the communities i live and work in. ive also become a lot more comfortable talking about failure and not being embarassed about it. indeed, i think that admitting to failure and dealing with it (both privately and publicly) is one of the hardest things i've had to do.

when i found out that i failed, i felt as if i had taken a majorly wrong turn in the maze of life and i wasn't sure if i was going to be able to recover, to advance to the next level (power up!) or to put a band-aid over my damaged self-worth. luckily, my go-get-em personality and overwhelming desire to make to-do lists took over. is it painful to know that some boxes you checked off with a flourish must now be unchecked? yes. however, is it fun to make a whole new series of boxes and schedules with different permutations because you suddenly have a lot more time than you had originally anticipated before graduating? TOTALLY. yes, i am a nerd, and yes, i do think that it is super awesome.

since im not graduating for a whole another year (spring 2009), i am applying to a series of dual degree programs. right now, im pushing to try and do a MPP (master's in public policy) over an MPH (master's in public health), but will be happy to also do an MPH with a concentration in health mgt and policy. i had originally thought to pursue these degrees sometime during residency/fellowship, but am super excited about doing them now. yesterday, i went to an information session at the Ford School of Public Policy (here at UMich) about the Science, Technology, and Public Policy graduate certificate and became totally pumped about being a graduate (and not professional) student. more on this to come!