getting my life back...in order

i don't like disorder (but mostly in a larger, life-picture sense). my room is always messy, i tend to make piles, and i often enlist the help of chris to find (or remember) where i've placed various objects. however, there is always a grand plan in the works.

over the past few months, my grand plan was derailed a bit. everything was on track until i didn't do so hot on a standardized test. this caused me to rethink the life plan for the year and decide to:

1) Not graduate from med school this year and
2) Not match until 2009.

because of this decision, i had to figure out something to do for 1.5 years. as i had always been toying around with the idea of getting another degree, i decided to jump in and explore my options. again, there were many options:

1) Master in Public Policy (MPP) at Michigan's Ford School of Public Policy
2) MPH at Harvard's School of Public Health (SPH), Johns Hopkins SPH, or UM SPH
3) Apply for another fellowship like Doris Duke to go abroad for a year
4) Work!

this was a really tough decision for me but on the advice of some mentors, i decided to stay at michigan since it was the only place i could get my MPP in the time frame i had. the MPP requires three semesters (rather than two) and gave me more opportunities to explore and be exposed to topics i haven't covered before (like economics and health care financing). don't be fooled into thinking this was purely a career-based move, however. in fact, this decision was one of the hardest decisions i've made because it was one of the first major decisions where i actually took something else besides my educational/career goals into account.

growing up, i always thought my education and career would come first. i was confident my family would support me and didn't think too much about where my partner at the time would fit in. usually he would come along or be supportive and if he wasn't, i wouldn't let that get in the way. working against my love life, i left home, went to swarthmore, then china, then thailand. boys would never hold me back.

it looked as if a wedding wouldn't stop me. i was gone for months in geneva and then bethesda leading up to my own wedding in michigan. chris was truly committed, buying a printer and sending out all our wedding invitations (he even kept track of RSVP's!) the day after we got back from our honeymoon, i got on a flight to thailand to start my fogarty year.

even though thailand was a second home to me, chiang mai was new territory. the id fellow (poo) and her fiancee at the time (p'nui, now her husband!) took me under their wing and i definitely love them for it. it was weird to be alone. i missed chris a ton and wanted him to share in the experiences i was having in thailand. a few months later, he quit his job and came to live with me. everyone thought it was crazy, but we had a wonderful time overall. and chris got a new job when he got back!

when all this decision-making was happening, chris was completely supportive. he wanted me to make the decision that was best for my career. my parents were gung-ho about harvard. as asians, they passed along their love for name-brand education + prestige to me. i don't like to admit it, but there is a part of me that does buy into academic elitist thought. even if it wasn't the best program or the program that met my needs the best, i couldn't dispute the importance and the wealth of connections to be had there. friends offered to talk to people. i was paralyzed by the choice i needed to make.

in the end, i only applied to the Ford School. i convinced myself that i wanted the MPP degree, and this was the place i was going to be able to do it. i'm the first MD/MPP candidate here and am excited about it. people have been incredibly supportive at the Ford School, which is a nice change from some of the challenges i've had to deal with from the med school side of things.

honestly though, what it really came to down to was putting my family first. staying at michigan meant staying with chris and being able to see my parents every weekend. even though chris volunteered to fly to boston or baltimore or wherever i ended up for the year and my parents totally thought i should do it, i knew it wouldn't be good for us. and it wouldn't be good for me.

even though i do feel like i'm mostly an independent woman, i am really much happier when i'm with chris. this was really highlighted to me when both an american friend and a thai friend noted the difference in how i was as a person before and after chris came to thailand. was this a sign of weakness? i used to think so, but not so much anymore.

a high-ranking indian doc in the UN came to speak to a group of med students a few months ago. i asked her how she balanced her career and her family. her answer was:

"i've always told my husband: children first, career second, husband third." she smiled. i laughed, and said i would tell my husband that, but it made me sad. i know i couldn't do the things i do without chris's support. sure, he wasn't who i envisioned i would necessarily end up with - he wasn't an activist, or an intellectual. he WAS a fraternity leader and he was actually pretty conservative. over time, he's definitely come around (no more shopping at Wal-Mart for starters!) and he helps me do the work i do. most importantly, he's never made me choose (or feel like i had to choose) between our relationship and the time i sometimes over-commit to education, activism, or service.

in the end, who are you without the relationships you have with people? i am eternally grateful for the relationships i have with my family and my friends. i'm pretty confident i'll continue to have a productive career, but i don't want it to be at the expense of who i am.

i've had this discussion with a lot of close girlfriends over the past few months who are making similar decisions about residency, or whatever next stage they're moving to in their lives, and i think we're all moving in this direction, recognizing that there are different things that can make you happy and feel fulfilled. most importantly, it's not copping out to make decisions based on these things, even if it's not found on your CV or something that's going to go on any application. more than ever, i've come to realize that mental health and overall life satisfaction/happiness is way more about the intangible things (like friendship) than i used to ever want to give them credit for.

maybe it's taken me awhile to realize this (as i strive to be an overachiever), but it's becoming easier everyday that i continue to work on it. thanks to everyone who's been so supportive! :)