soros

so, during the madness of the end of 2007, i threw together a soros application and was super excited to get a phone call at the end of december saying that i had gotten an interview. i ended up going through the interview process a few weeks ago in LA, and got my rejection letter from them yesterday. the letter opened with, "i wish this letter could bring you good news. it does not." ouch. luckily, i had kinda been expecting it because their webmaster had put up four names for 2008 winners that was later taken down. however, i figured that because i hadn't heard and winners were already posted, i probably wasn't one of them.

the soros fellowship for new americans is a pretty cool scholarship - they pay half your tuition for grad school and then give you a stipend for 2 years. i was able to apply since im doing the MPP now and it's my first year. it was a super intense application, and i really am thankful to everyone who helped me put it together, including all my friends who read drafts and commented on it, my recommenders, and of course, my IT-savvy husband chris, who used 'Snag It' to make exhibit upon exhibit. although it was the hardest application i've ever done, i don't regret doing it, and helped me put things into perspective around the same time i was applying to the Ford School.

each finalist had two 30 minute interviews with panels of five people at each interview. the panels were made up of previous soros fellowship winners, some people from the foundation, and other New Americans. i thought my second interview went much better than my first, but who knows, really. some interesting things i gleaned from my interviews was that "AMSA is really radical" (answer in my head: what's radical about wanting people to have health care?) and "Don't pharmaceutical companies need to be compensated for all the R&D they do?" overall, the conversation was mostly enjoyable, but i was afraid after the first interview that i didn't articulate myself well enough, and maybe revealed things that caused them not to really like me in the end (like failing step 2). however, i was really proud of some of my answers, including one of the final questions in one of my interviews, which was "What do you want to be known for when you die?" My answer - and I didn't even really have to think about it - was

"I think it would be awesome to implement a policy that would radically change poor people's access to essential medicines, or find a cure for HIV/AIDS..but what I really want to be known for is that regardless of what I accomplished in my career, I remained grounded in the community, and represented their wants, needs, hopes, and dreams accurately. From my work so far, I don't want to be the person who just comes in and tells people how they need to live their lives, or what their interests need to be. If, when I die, the marginalized people I have worked with respect who I am, what I did, and saw me standing in solidarity with them - then that is the accomplishment I would be most proud of."

i got the feeling that some people thought that was a copout, but i really meant it. i'm not sure how the soros values community work (or other grand fellowships for that matter), but it sometimes seems that academia and other institutions don't place as much value on it as 'traditional' work, like how many papers you've published in peer-reviewed journals, or whatever. in some ways, my 'years off' in thailand haven't been successful in that measure, but on the flip side, i'm proud that i had the gumption to go out and seek community work with commercial sex workers, or iv drug users, or just women who needed to get an abortion in a place where abortion wasn't legal. beyond that, the lasting friendships i've made and the maturity i've gained from recognizing that it doesn't matter how old you are or what the social hierarchy or whatever - you can still help others (and mentor them!) in so many ways....that work has been the most important to me. it's made me who i am as a person, and who i hope to become.

in the end, i have to say that i was super disappointed not to win. i'm also kinda kicking myself for not applying for the FLAS (Foreign Language Area Studies) grant, which is less competitive and just for University of Michigan grad students. At the time, i didn't have my stuff together and wasn't sure if i would be able to commit to taking Thai for the whole year. it's ok though, life goes on. and i have to say, i super love my life overall. going through this process has really made me appreciate my family and friends (and googlechat). just like i said in my answer to what i want to be known for when i die, im really honored to be respected and loved and (maybe even looked up to) by all my friends - all of whom inspire me as well.

my friend sarah and i were talking about her rank list the other day, and about soros, and about academic elitism and how that impacts our lives and our choices. i am proud of myself for making the choice to stay at michigan and i am proud of my friends who make the choice to do what is best for them (in their lives) over what would generally be seen as "the best" by society, or your family, or your department chair, or whoever.

finally, i am so grateful for all the love and positive feedback i've been given over the past few weeks. this is from anjali last night: "whatever rhodes scholar. whatever robert wood johnson clinical scholars. whatever whatever. seriously. you're the shit and you've gotta keep believing in yourself. half the people who do these scholar things are really doing it for themselves and don't have a bigger vision in mind you're going to go SO far, and be respected by the people." sometimes i worry about how much of it i am doing for myself, and recognizing that even though that is a part of it (and that's ok), i definitely do not do the work that i do just to be congratulated on by someone else. i do it because i care, because im a woman of color, because life isn't fair, and because i have so much privilege it would be ridiculous and almost criminal not to do the work when people half as privileged as i am are fighting and struggling every single day.

thanks to all of you who do the work that you do. i am honored to be part of the movement.