soros

so, during the madness of the end of 2007, i threw together a soros application and was super excited to get a phone call at the end of december saying that i had gotten an interview. i ended up going through the interview process a few weeks ago in LA, and got my rejection letter from them yesterday. the letter opened with, "i wish this letter could bring you good news. it does not." ouch. luckily, i had kinda been expecting it because their webmaster had put up four names for 2008 winners that was later taken down. however, i figured that because i hadn't heard and winners were already posted, i probably wasn't one of them.

the soros fellowship for new americans is a pretty cool scholarship - they pay half your tuition for grad school and then give you a stipend for 2 years. i was able to apply since im doing the MPP now and it's my first year. it was a super intense application, and i really am thankful to everyone who helped me put it together, including all my friends who read drafts and commented on it, my recommenders, and of course, my IT-savvy husband chris, who used 'Snag It' to make exhibit upon exhibit. although it was the hardest application i've ever done, i don't regret doing it, and helped me put things into perspective around the same time i was applying to the Ford School.

each finalist had two 30 minute interviews with panels of five people at each interview. the panels were made up of previous soros fellowship winners, some people from the foundation, and other New Americans. i thought my second interview went much better than my first, but who knows, really. some interesting things i gleaned from my interviews was that "AMSA is really radical" (answer in my head: what's radical about wanting people to have health care?) and "Don't pharmaceutical companies need to be compensated for all the R&D they do?" overall, the conversation was mostly enjoyable, but i was afraid after the first interview that i didn't articulate myself well enough, and maybe revealed things that caused them not to really like me in the end (like failing step 2). however, i was really proud of some of my answers, including one of the final questions in one of my interviews, which was "What do you want to be known for when you die?" My answer - and I didn't even really have to think about it - was

"I think it would be awesome to implement a policy that would radically change poor people's access to essential medicines, or find a cure for HIV/AIDS..but what I really want to be known for is that regardless of what I accomplished in my career, I remained grounded in the community, and represented their wants, needs, hopes, and dreams accurately. From my work so far, I don't want to be the person who just comes in and tells people how they need to live their lives, or what their interests need to be. If, when I die, the marginalized people I have worked with respect who I am, what I did, and saw me standing in solidarity with them - then that is the accomplishment I would be most proud of."

i got the feeling that some people thought that was a copout, but i really meant it. i'm not sure how the soros values community work (or other grand fellowships for that matter), but it sometimes seems that academia and other institutions don't place as much value on it as 'traditional' work, like how many papers you've published in peer-reviewed journals, or whatever. in some ways, my 'years off' in thailand haven't been successful in that measure, but on the flip side, i'm proud that i had the gumption to go out and seek community work with commercial sex workers, or iv drug users, or just women who needed to get an abortion in a place where abortion wasn't legal. beyond that, the lasting friendships i've made and the maturity i've gained from recognizing that it doesn't matter how old you are or what the social hierarchy or whatever - you can still help others (and mentor them!) in so many ways....that work has been the most important to me. it's made me who i am as a person, and who i hope to become.

in the end, i have to say that i was super disappointed not to win. i'm also kinda kicking myself for not applying for the FLAS (Foreign Language Area Studies) grant, which is less competitive and just for University of Michigan grad students. At the time, i didn't have my stuff together and wasn't sure if i would be able to commit to taking Thai for the whole year. it's ok though, life goes on. and i have to say, i super love my life overall. going through this process has really made me appreciate my family and friends (and googlechat). just like i said in my answer to what i want to be known for when i die, im really honored to be respected and loved and (maybe even looked up to) by all my friends - all of whom inspire me as well.

my friend sarah and i were talking about her rank list the other day, and about soros, and about academic elitism and how that impacts our lives and our choices. i am proud of myself for making the choice to stay at michigan and i am proud of my friends who make the choice to do what is best for them (in their lives) over what would generally be seen as "the best" by society, or your family, or your department chair, or whoever.

finally, i am so grateful for all the love and positive feedback i've been given over the past few weeks. this is from anjali last night: "whatever rhodes scholar. whatever robert wood johnson clinical scholars. whatever whatever. seriously. you're the shit and you've gotta keep believing in yourself. half the people who do these scholar things are really doing it for themselves and don't have a bigger vision in mind you're going to go SO far, and be respected by the people." sometimes i worry about how much of it i am doing for myself, and recognizing that even though that is a part of it (and that's ok), i definitely do not do the work that i do just to be congratulated on by someone else. i do it because i care, because im a woman of color, because life isn't fair, and because i have so much privilege it would be ridiculous and almost criminal not to do the work when people half as privileged as i am are fighting and struggling every single day.

thanks to all of you who do the work that you do. i am honored to be part of the movement.

back at it

hi everyone! i know i haven't written in forever, but im trying to get back on the blogging bandwagon. life (as always) has been crazy, and i've had my share of ups and downs over the past few months. a quick update of what i've been up to:

1) Starting my MPP (Master in Public Policy) at the Gerald R. Ford School of Public Policy at U of M. This semester has totally flown by already and I'm about halfway through the Winter term. Going back to my nerdy Swarthmore ways, I decided to max out my credit limit and take six classes (a regular full-time load is four). If any of you are wondering, my classes include:

Statistics
Public Management (The Politics of Bureaucracy)
Political Environment of Policymaking (focusing on science/technology policy)
Research Seminar on Science, Technology, and Public Policy
Health Care Reform (taught by Matt Davis, my advisor (also MD/MPP) and
Health Economics and Public Policy

I've been enjoying myself so far and keeping myself busy writing papers ranging in topics from why the CIA and FBI counterterrorism efforts failed before 9/11 & how their cultures reflect failures in public management (national intelligence is really siloed and interesting, actually) to an economic policy review of President Bush's proposed tax code reform to take away the favorable tax treatment of employer-based insurance and instead give all insured people standard tax deductions. Besides the academic part of it, I've started to make some friends who are also in my policy school classes. The fun thing about it is a lot of people are doing dual degrees in the policy school, so there's students from all different departments participating in discussions and things.

The Ford School admin overall has been super nice and supportive as well. I've been surprised at the lack of political advocacy that goes on in the student body (although I may be out of touch with what goes on after class). Being so heavily involved with AMSA and trying to include advocacy and activism in my daily life, I am kinda shocked that most people in policy school seem to be like most people in med school (although the policy people are more liberal overall). What I mean by that comment is that I feel that most people aren't making calls to their legislators, or paying attention to action alerts, or coordinating call-ins. To my knowledge, there has been no political action at the Ford School this semester and the student groups overall don't seem very politicized, but I do admit to having a limited knowledge of what is going on. If anyone wants to share other knowledge with me, I'm totally all about it. I also might try to shake things up once I get more situated ;)

2) AMSA

My life would not be complete without mentioning AMSA, of course. In the past few months, I've spoken at the first-ever premed Global Health Leadership Institute (amazing job organizing Courtney!), helped get together folks to lobby around PEPFAR (the President's Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief) reauthorization, and participated in the first-round interviews for the new AMSA Executive Director/ CEO (who was just named yesterday - yay!). I've been inspired by my colleagues, energized about the work, and happy to be a part of the movement. Some highlights of being down in Reston include:

-Thai dinner with Dr. Bill Kessler, former AMSA pres who formerly worked for the CDC and now is at the Center for Medicare and Medicaid Services in New England. We had a good chat about Thai food in general, my career, and how CMS and others decide what measures to focus on in pay-for-performance schemes. It was also great to be on an interview panel with some former AMSA presidents (who now serve on the AMSA Foundation Board) and see how they interviewed candidates and what they picked up (and didn't) in our group interviews.

-Watching the Super Bowl with Paige, Josh, Dawn (intern from Penn State and Sural's classmate), Adrian, and another intern (doh, I forgot her name). Yay Giants!

-Minerva (best Indian food ever!) with Dan Murphy

-Waking up at 3 AM to see drunk Paul Davis and Kaytee outside my door getting ready for Premed GHLI lobby day on PEPFAR reauthorization!

-Meeting new people and getting pumped about the future of AMSA!

3) 2008 New Year's Resolutions

So back in December, I was feeling kinda down about myself and about studying in general. I was unhappy about the 40+ pounds I've put on in the past three years, and I wanted to do something about it. I also realized that it was going to be tough to make major lifestyle changes if Chris wasn't on board....so I basically dragged him along with me and signed us up for a 16-week package at Fitness Together (FT) , this personal trainer place that's about a 2 minute walk from our house. Although he wasn't so gungho about it, he knew I was really unhappy and made the commitment with me to lose weight, get in shape, and stop eating such a crappy diet (we basically ate out everyday for dinner, and sometimes for lunch as well). Although this has been one of my New Year's resolutions before, I really wanted to keep it this time, and throwing down a bunch of $$ and making appointments/commitments seemed like it would get our butts in gear. You know what? It totally has!!

Basically, since Jan 2nd, we've been going to FT three times a week for 45-minute strength training sessions with personal trainers (aka getting our asses kicked). The first couple times were really painful, but it's been getting a lot better and both Chris and I have gotten a lot stronger even in the past six weeks. In addition to the strength training sessions, we're responsible for doing cardio at least three times a week. We bought a treadmill and have been running since mid-January (I totally prefer the elliptical, but running is the best!)

We've also been keeping these "accountability food journals" where we write what we eat everyday and then have our trainers review it once a week. We've been using a lot of recipes from the Eating for Life book and follow a diet where we eat every 2-3 hrs (so 5-6 times a day) and make sure every meal we eat contains a carb and a protein. The point of it is to maintain blood sugar levels throughout the day so you don't go starving yourself and then totally overeating when you get super hungry. We keep the diet six days a week and then get a "free day" where we can eat whatever we want. So far, it's been going really well, and Chris & I spend a lot of our time cooking together instead of going out. We also feel really good about ourselves and it's fun to keep each other in check! I am totally proud of Chris for *finally* cutting pop out of his diet as well.

4) Getting on good terms with the in-laws

Yay! Even without taking any classes on negotiation and/or conflict resolution, I was successfully able to negotiate a weeklong 'vacation' with my in-laws in LA. Bonding activities included playing with my niece Melanie (im actually not that bad with kids!), eating lots of Chinese food in Monterey Park, and spending a weekend in Las Vegas at the Wynn Hotel with Chris's parents. While in LA, I also got to visit AMSA friends & previous JRF's Anjali Taneja & Casey Kirkhart, drink lots of bubble tea at Lollicup, go shopping with Chris, and actually have LA grow a little bit on me. Perhaps the West Coast may be in our future...